After that barrage of “Duterte” articles posted by my fellow contributors, I guess it’s time for a “commercial break.” Comelec, the biggest Job Search service in town, wishes to inform the public that they are looking for a promising applicant to take on a very critical role as President of the Republic of the Philippines.
There is only ONE SKILL needed for the job of the highest post of the land:
Able to read and write!
And do you know why it’s that simple? Yes, because all we really need at the top office in this third-world medieval shithole called the Philippines is a janitor – a Super-Janitor. We need someone to clean up this freakin mess of a chaotic country created by 400 years of dumbed-down swarming zombies (and maybe, just maybe I can invite some friends from overseas to come visit our little “should-have-been” paradise on earth).
Super-Janitor Job Functions:
- Clean up the streets – criminals, addicts, litter, eyesores, squatters, jaywalkers, roaming street children, peddlers, sidewalk vendors, obstructing signboards, reckless smoke-belching “coffin-on-wheels”, walls turned into public dumps/toilets
- Clean up the bureaucracy – red tape, inefficient procedures, running to multiple offices for multiple requirements, tons of signatures (each with lagay), long arduous queue lines, weeks of waiting for approval (and I really hate writing in the “birth date” field of the same damn old form I already filled up last time – why do you need it again?!?! You think it’s changed since??? Grrrr!!!)
- Clean up the political landscape – oppressive apathetic kleptomaniacs/crooks and scammers (spewing out false motherhood statements) in the guise of decent public servants, incompetent puro dakdak seat-warmers wasting taxpayers money on phoney projects
- Clean up media – stupid brain-cell- and time-killing shows filled with pathetically T.H. below-the-belt offensive bozos that bring no added value to the intellectual growth of the youth
- Clean up the dysfunctional Pinoy mindset – so much has been said on this (just stay tuned here at GRP)
At your full disposal will be the entire national police and military organizations to empower you in executing extensive mopping up operations; you are expected to deliver positive results within the first 6 months, and if our long-time perpetually venting pissed-off customers are satisfied – you will be regularized to serve the full 6-year term (with a possible extension IF you can clean up the 60/40 oligarchy-favoring constitution). Otherwise, you will be the recipient of the thundering firepower of precision-guided munition (proudly made with classified GRP IP/technology).
Now what we need is a person with proven hands-on EXPERIENCE – as in verifiable output. Don’t worry. We can give a waiver in case you happen to have become “deranged” or “gutter-mouthed” after working long hours to beef up your experience profile under dehumanizing conditions – dredging clogged canals and sewers, breathing in the toxic stench of decaying manure and rotting rat cadavers, and enduring the sight of excrement, pus and blood day-in/day-out. WE DON’T CARE even if you’ve morphed into a sewer rodent yourself! (hmm…where’s that echoing virtual laugh coming from?) – as long as you have PROOF that you can get the job done.
Send in your resume please. Don’t forget to attach sample pictures of the town or city that YOU have turned into a C.O.D. Singapore-class state. Again “able to read and write” is the sole skill requirement. And it doesn’t even specify which language. If you can read microprocessor assembly-language code in binary format like “0100110101101100” to mean whatever you think it is (mov ah, 40h?) – come on down.
The compensation package is a hopefully attractive P120,000 a month (Grade 33 – highest salary in our plantilla). Not enough? Well, don’t let that turn you off. Wait till you hear the perks…
We will ensure top-class accommodations in your very own tax-payer-funded island palace at the heart of the Metro’s Pasig River (Note: it will be your job to make the waters turn crystal clear with your Midas powers). A lot of out-of-town travel is expected to our many exotic islands, but you will be going around first-class on your officially designated military-grade high-performance helicopter (emergency parachutes included; so your clueless wife need not entertain the thought of getting coerced into the necropolitical circus). By descending like a superhero from the sky, YOU as our valued Super-Janitor can take pride in your glorious job – guaranteed “arriving never looked so good!”
Once you’ve proved your mettle, you will have the honor of becoming a bonafide lifetime member of the elite Ebak Liquidating Intergalactic Squad (ELIS), all rights and privileges included till the day you are laid to rest at Libingan ng mga Bayani.
So is anyone up for the challenge in heeding this once-in-a-lifetime filthy (DO-DIRTY) but fulfilling call of duty? MARaming salamat POE sa inyong attention sa pagbasa ng Job Ad na ito – Sponsored by the ever-loyal BINAYaran, overpriced-cake-bribed citizens of Makati.
Footnote: please, someone – pansinin niyo naman si MDS (1% in the latest survey can lead to depression or some psychosomatic disorder!)
- Rebels of today, heroes of tomorrow: Will Filipinos ever grow up? - September 9, 2018
- Zaxx to Charice (Jake Zyrus): False Voice was your beginning. Will Fake Voice be your end? - August 18, 2018
- Voting, Vaginas and Vehicles: How toning down people’s rights can bring order to the Philippines - August 4, 2018
- The Logic of Killing: God vs Thanos vs Duterte - July 28, 2018
- Basketball vs Filipinos: Can genetic underdogs win international respect? - July 6, 2018