And now, I think it’s time to take a short break from all the seriousness of the presidential elections. It’s time for a little absurdity and there is nothing more absurd than the Warhammer 40,000 setting due to it’s grim darkness and dark grimness. So get yourselves ready dear readers, it’s time to take you on a wild, wild ride through the Realm of Chaos, otherwise known as the “Warp”. Just please remember to keep away from the windows of our spaceship because you might see something your stomach or maybe even your soul won’t agree with.
Oh and before I continue, this was something my apprentice and I made a bet on after playing a couple of rounds of Blood Bowl II. According to the young man, it would only be fair that we compare the presidential and vice-presidential candidates since there’s already an article that compares our current president to a Game of Thrones character and then there’s this which I wrote in the previous year. So, if you want to blame someone for all this madness, you can blame my apprentice who goaded me into writing this drivel.
So okay ladies and gentlemen, if you’re all set, we will now be entering the Warp!
“‘Ere we go! ‘Ere we go!”
Mar Roxas as Makari the Grot
Among the orks of 40k, one will find small and pesky creatures called “gretchin”. These creatures resemble goblins of folklore and fantasy and fulfill pretty much the same role in ork society. Small and cowardly, gretchin live simply to please their hulking ork masters often much to their own detriment.
One of these gretchin is Makari who is sometimes called “The Grot” who’s job it is to carry the banner of his master Ghazghkull Thraka, one of the most powerful ork warlords in the setting. But while his master may be very powerful, Makari is every bit as sniveling, pathetic and annoying as the rest of his kind.
Similar to Mar Roxas, Makari is eager to please his masters and will do anything, even do the most utterly pathetic and embarrassing things just to make his orky masters happy with him. Roxas has done everything he could to please the LP, especially the Aquino family and so far, they have favored him. However, thanks to the abysmal performance of the LP, the common people see Mar Roxas as a huge joke to his only people. Again, much like Makari, Mar Roxas will probably be destroyed by the incompetence or stupidity of his masters just like Makari was crushed when his master sat on him and had to be peeled off like a squashed insect off of Ghazghkull’s humongous hiney.
Jejomar Binay as Asdrubael Vect
If the setting has orks, 40k also has their version of dark elves called the “dark eldar”. And who better to lead such a “dark” faction than Vice President Jejomar Binay whom both I and my apprentice see as a good analogue to the conniving and ambitious Asdrubael Vect, the dark eldar’s leader.
The dark eldar, unfortunately for their victims, aren’t just simply evil elves. In the setting’s lore, dark eldar have more in common with Hellraiser’s sadomasochistic cenobites rather than Dungeons & Dragons’ drow. Indeed, for these evil creatures, torturing another sentient being is both a necessity and a form of recreation.
While not exactly sadomasochistic, Vice President Binay has certainly shown his penchant for corruption and deception. Similar to how Vect rose among the ranks of the fearful creatures, VP Binay has made countless acts of theft and treachery to reach his current vaunted position. While he may choose to appear as a cultured gentleman at times, one must never forget that this is a man who would probably have you gutted and sell your organs for transplant if it can increase the amount of money he needs for bribing voters.
Grace Poe as Taldeer
Just as there are dark elves, 40k also has normal elves though they aren’t quite the same as those found in other settings simply called “eldar”. Unlike elves found in other settings, eldar are utterly selfish creatures and would gladly sacrifice billions of hapless humans just to save a handful of their own kind. They also tend to be opportunistic and will try to take advantage of any given situation just to get themselves into a favorable condition.
This is why my apprentice and I compare Senator Grace Poe to Farseer Taldeer of the eldar. Both are largely opportunistic and have a multitude of backup plans in case things don’t work out in their favor. Sure, they may look like they’re on your side right now but when things get rough, they’ll be the first people on the bus out or will be denouncing you and turning on you. Just like Taldeer who all too often retreats to her spaceship when things get hairy on the ground, Grace Poe will probably go back to America should she lose the May 9 election.
Rodrigo Duterte as Logan Grimnar
One of the most iconic characters in 40k are the Space Wolves Chapter of the Adeptus Astartes. Raised from the harsh planet of Fenris, the Space Wolves are ruthless warriors who fight to defend the Imperium of Man through their sheer brutality and merciless cunning. Despite their seemingly barbaric ways however, the Space Wolves are considered one of the more “humane” Space Marine Chapters and wish only to protect humanity from ferocious aliens and demonic horrors.
I often find myself comparing Davao Mayor Rodrigo Duterte to the Space Wolves Chapter Master Logan Grimnar who are both rather uncouth and seemingly barbaric man but are actually one of the nicer characters in the setting. Indeed, while they may seem uncivilized to outsiders or people who don’t know them, they openly question the status quo which they see as a hindrance to progress and prosperity. Although yes, Mayor Duterte falls short of Logan Grimnar’s absolutely awesome facial hair.
Miriam Defensor Santiago as Commander Shadowsun
Ah yes, the Tau. A race of aliens who fight for what they believe as the “Greater Good” which means fighting for the good of many instead of just a select few. Among all the races of 40k the Tau are some of the most technologically advanced and forward-thinking as the rest of the setting seems to be stuck in a Medieval Stasis. The Tau Empire maybe tiny in such a huge galaxy but their dedication in fighting for their beliefs is something to be truly lauded.
I like to compare Miriam Defensor Santiago to Commander Shadowsun as they are both spearheads of change and support the advancement of society. Unfortunately, Tau tend to have very short lifespans and are already considered “elderly” when they reach 50. Just like Commander Shadowsun, Senator Santiago’s lifespan is also theoretically short considering the fact that she is now, allegedly, afflicted with cancer and is why she isn’t at all very popular with the voting masses. While both women are impressive in their respective fields of expertise, many worry that they may not be able to accomplish much before they go and kick the bucket.
Well folks, my apprentice and I hope that you both you enjoyed this short bout of silliness!
Anyway, back to Blood Bowl because neither of us have yet to score a touchdown…
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