Note: Ladies and gentlemen, you are reading another spoof or joke article. This means that this is not true in any way (at least I hope not) and I only wrote it because I was both bored at the time and thought perhaps that everyone, both our contributors (which includes myself of course) and our readers have become a bit too serious and emotional. This is essentially my reaction to the latest revelation by Marvel Comics that esteemed superhero Captain America had been an agent of terrorist organization Hydra all along. I hope you find it funny and enjoy reading it as much I enjoyed writing it.
There has been quite a bit of talk when Marvel Comics revealed that Captain America, one of comics’ most well-known superheroes, was revealed to be working for Hydra all along, the terrorist organization founded by Nazi villain the Red Skull. Many fans were of course enraged by this development, believing that the character and what he stood for were utterly butchered by Marvel Comics. Some however, find this as a refreshing twist to an otherwise flat character.
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However, whatever the case, it seems that many other fictional characters are following suit to match the shock created by Captain America’s hidden agendas…
Wonder Woman: A Man?
Wonder Woman is probably the first thing that comes to mind when the idea of a female superhero is brought up. Indeed, Wonder Woman is one of the three most recognizable superheroes alongside Batman and Superman. Ever since she was created, the amazon princess was meant to represent the strength and beauty of women and show the world that, indeed, women can just as easily keep up with women.
However, it seems that DC Comics has other plans for Wondie. Apparently, the creators of Wonder Woman intend to support the growing movement in the United States to support the idea of self-identification among transgender persons. The creators of Wonder Woman will apparently make Wonder Woman a male-to-female transgender character and, according to them, will still possess fully functional male genitalia beneath her star-spangled leotard.
The Punisher: A Hippie?
The Punisher has always been one of the most grimdark characters in the Marvel Universe. A former American marine whose family was killed by the Mafia, Frank Castle was a one-man-army whose singular goal was to hunt down and utterly slaughter every criminal he could find. He is perhaps one of the most violent characters created by Marvel Comics and many consider him to be Marvel’s equivalent to DC’s Batman. A dark and brutal character, the Punisher easily pushes the limit of the definition of the word “hero” and there are many who believe that he is every bit a villain as the criminals he often fights.
However, along with Captain America’s apparent “loyalty” issues, it seems that the Punisher will also be receiving a twist to his character. Marvel Comics has revealed that they are going to turn the Punisher into a hippie character. Instead of being a marine, the Punisher will now become a pacifist hippie complete with floral shirt, bell-bottom pants and long and beautiful blond hair. His insignia, which was once a skull, will now be changed to that of a flower with a peace symbol at its center. His backstory will be that of a hippie whose family was killed at Woodstock and, instead of killing criminals and evildoers with superior firepower and special military tactics, it has been revealed that he will instead be talking down his enemies instead of resorting to violence and appealing to their emotions and using the “power of love” to disarm them.
Morrigan Aensland: A Virgin?
Well, it’s been a long wait Darkstalkers fans but it seems that the monster-mash fighting game will be receiving a full sequel sometime soon but with key changes to its characters, most especially sultry succubus Morrigan Aensland. An attractive, vain and extremely powerful character, Morrigan Aensland (not to be confused with Dragon Age‘s Morrigan) essentially introduced the idea of a succubus (a female sex demon to those not in the know) to modern gamers. However, it seems that for the next installment of the Darkstalkers franchise, we’re going to be in for a surprising change to the sultry succubus.
Capcom has revealed that Morrigan Aensland will be depicted in-game as a demure virgin whose outfit and moveset will be changed to look more “conservative”. Her lines will be changed completely and all innuendo and outright suggestive statements will be replaced with wholesome and rated-G remarks. Also of note is the fact that Capcom has decided to keep her Scottish accent as befitting a succubus from Scotland but it has been announced that her accent will be made even thicker.
Now, let’s go back to the Philippines to observe one of our own fictional characters getting a complete and total overhaul. Polgas, the mutant dog character of the comic strip Pugad Baboy created by Pol Medina (which can be read in Rappler), will be receiving some glaring changes in upcoming strips. Polgas was originally a loyal pet to the Sungcal family who was mutated through radiation from the TV which allowed him to walk on his hind legs and use his front paws as hands. He has always been a protector to his family and stray dogs but it seems that Pol Medina will be changing all that very soon.
Apparently, Pol Medina wants to make the character of Polgas much darker and it will be revealed that he had always hated the Sungcal family and has only tolerated them for so long with barely contained rage because they feed him. It will also be shown that Polgas had always hated stray dogs he finds on the streets and actually works secretly with the dog-meat industry to lure hapless street dogs to tragic ends. Lastly, the upcoming story arc will be much darker wherein the residents of Pugad Baboy will have to unite against Polgas in order to stop his plan of destroying his own neighborhood.
I HAVE RETURNED TO LAY WASTE TO OUR ENEMIES!