Author’s Note: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is another spoof article this time done in the same vein as The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks. It was suggested to me by my apprentice who believes that this is the perfect time to release something like this considering the very heated political debates raging between the various candidates. We decided to explore this idea after comparing Cthulhutech to Shadowrun and then discussing Legend of Zelda: Nicholas Cage Edition as well as the Scandinavian web comic Stand Still, Say Silent. Whatever the case, both I and my apprentice hope you appreciate this piece of drivel and understand what it is actually trying to convey.
THE UNITED NATIONS WANTS YOU!
Yes, that’s right, you! You, the person reading this article at this very moment. Because you chose to read this article means that you’re not one of those people who just wants to hunker down in a shelter while the Yellow Apocalypse bears down on the Philippines and the rest of the world. Yes, I know you might be scared, but I’m sure you’re one of those who aren’t content with just running and hiding and want to chip in in the effort to save the Philippines from the Yellow Apocalypse and protect the rest of the world in the process.
So okay, if you’ve gotten this far, it means you want in. So let’s start with the basics. We wouldn’t want you to miss out on any crucial details.
How It Began
Well, the shit hit the fan in 2010 but, in reality the Yellow Apocalypse got its start 1986. It was during that time that the LP, short for “Loathsome Plague”, arrived in the Philippines from space. Considering that space and communications technology was quite crude at the time, none detected it’s arrival to Earth.
Important Details About The LP
- It is NOT a virus
- It is a form of radiation that can be seen as a yellow light or color
- It also exists as information or software
- While there is no conclusive evidence to support the theory, many claim that it is ALIVE and SENTIENT
- Indirect exposure to it (through close proximity) can allow it to overwrite or brainwash a person
- Direct exposure to it can mutate a person into a zombie
- It is transferred or transmitted in TWO ways:
- Through direct skin to skin contact with a carrier
- By being exposed to display screens that emit the LP
The LP came from the darkest reaches of space that man has yet to discover. It arrived in the Philippine TV station BSA-SOB Channel 1+1 in 1986 and stored itself in one of its computers. It then brainwashed those who discovered it into becoming its worshipers, thus establishing the Yellow Cult that would plague the Philippines for decades to come.
When the LP was unleashed upon the unwitting population of the Philippines in 2010, most Filipinos were unprepared. It was released as a broadcast signal to various TV sets, computers and smart phones throughout the country and beyond. Most Filipinos were easily overwhelmed by the hordes of zombies that came their way or were subjugated into joining the Yellow Cult. However, there were those few who managed to resist and warned foreigners of the impending danger of the LP.
The LP actually made it beyond the shores of the Philippines and caused quite a bit of havoc to other countries through the Pinoy Station, a subsidiary of BSA-SOB overseas, and BSA-SOB.com, its international website. However, thanks to the efforts of many brave Filipinos and a bit of help from the Miskatonic Institution, foreign countries were warned ahead of time about the LP and were able to make necessary steps to avoid the further spread of the Yellow Apocalypse. All communication was immediately cut off from the Philippines to prevent the LP from spreading across the globe and police and military personnel were immediately deployed to contain whatever threat the LP presented to the world at large.
While the LP did manage to cause all sorts of problems in some countries, majority of them were quickly contained and secured thanks to the Filipinos who warned them before the LP could be transmitted beyond the Philippines and the efforts of the Miskatonic Institution who worked with various governments to contain the Yellow Apocalypse. While some countries collapsed due to the LP, they were either able to rise again as stronger nations or combined with their neighbors to better handle the situation. Now, only the Philippines remains under the thrall of the LP and, unless the issue is addressed soon, there is no doubt that the LP will once again try to spread the Yellow Apocalypse to the rest of the world.
Knowing The Enemy
Not much is known about the LP and what is known about it only creates more questions. It can exist in various forms like radiation or electricity, digital information or nerve impulses. There are many theories surrounding it but they tend to be difficult to prove considering the LP’s nature. The Miskatonic Institution seem to know quite a bit about the LP but they aren’t willing to divulge much of their information as they often state that majority of what they know is largely theoretical.
Here are facts about the LP:
- It came from outer space
- It is associated with the color yellow and will add a yellow tinge to persons or objects it contaminates
- It can assimilate any and all animal life but seems to have lots of problems with flora and fungi
- It can and often causes bizarre mutations in the people and animals it contaminates
- It can also assimilate advanced electronic devices and computers
- It can combine organic and mechanical components into horrifying amalgamations
- It can hypnotize organisms through audio output
- Organisms contaminated by the LP display The “Face” mutation which will be described below
- Gadgets with screens will display The “Face” quite often
Here are theories about the LP:
- It is associated with the Outer God Azathoth
- It is alive and sentient
- It has an unhealthy interest in young children
The “Face” is believed to be a direct manifestation of the LP. Organisms contaminated by the LP will mutate it somewhere on their bodies including, it seems, insects and even microorganisms. Contaminated machines with display screens will also show the “Face” often.
Indeed, the best way to identify when a person, animal or machine is contaminated by the LP is if it displays the “Face”.
The “Face” can be best described as a disturbingly human face with the following features:
- Yellow skin
- A shiny balding head with at least some hair in the back
- Wide, staring and bulging eyes that, upon closer inspection, appear dazed or empty
- A mouth with thick lips and a vacant, drooling grin
Zombies are organisms that have been contaminated with the LP. While they might not seem very dangerous, they can easily overwhelm even the most well-fortified buildings if they have sufficient numbers. They also display some psychic or psionic abilities when they gather into a large enough horde.
The general rule for zombies is to not let them touch you lest they turn you into one of their number. Yes, that means they don’t need to bite or scratch you to make you another zombie. All they really need is to make direct contact with exposed skin.
There are many variants of zombies considering the LP can mutate anything it contaminates but for now we’re going to discuss the baseline human zombie, what they look like, what they do and ways to fight them.
- Zombies contaminated with LP are not considered “dead” and can thus be killed
- All zombies have a yellow tinge in their skin thanks to the LP
- Their faces eventually become like the “Face” mentioned above or the “Face” appears somewhere on their bodies which can be summed up as:
- Hair loss in the front part of the head
- Widening and bulging of the eyes
- The mouth becomes frozen in a drooling smile
- Zombies ALWAYS walk in a straight line
- Their hands are stuck with their index fingers and thumbs extended, creating a “loser” sign
- They walk in an awkward gait as if they are experiencing groin pain
- They cannot speak but can make the following vocalizations:
- “E di wow!”
- “Tuwid na daan!”
- They are largely insensitive to pain
- They have no peripheral vision, making it easy to sneak up or around them
- They seem to have trouble hearing
- They are attracted to flashy lights and bright colors, especially the color yellow
- An effective way to stall them would be to show them the words “say sorry” as it seems to cause their brains to temporarily shutdown
- While their heads aren’t their exact weakness, they can be easily destroyed by damaging their faces. However, even if their brains are destroyed, if the “Face” on their bodies remain intact, they will continue to survive.
Advanced zombies are far more dangerous than your basic zombie as they tend to be smarter and have a specialized use. Advanced zombies also have multiple faces with the signature “Face” appearing somewhere else on their bodies. However, due to their mutations, they are often as vulnerable as baseline humans although there are exceptions such as the giant or titan type zombies. Still, like the basic zombie mentioned above, damaging their “Face” is a sure fire way to kill them. One should note however that, while uncommon, advanced zombies are extremely hard to kill their ability to rapidly regenerate from their injuries and is why their “Faces” are almost always a priority target.
There are actually many variants of zombies but listed here are some of the most common:
- The Pretender is a zombie that tries to infiltrate human communities by imitating the activities of humans. These activities include carrying sacks of onions, driving a pedicab or awkwardly nailing a chair together among others. The “Face” mutation appears where the anus of the original human was.
- Appears as a bloated woman who frequently laughs in an awkward way. Needless to say, only human women can become Bloaters. The “Face” mutation appears on the genitalia of the zombie and it seems that the sole purpose of the Bloaters is to rape male humans in order to produce zombie offspring.
- Gluttons are one of the two zombie offspring Bloaters tend to produce. They have the appearance of large, obese boys who will eat just about anything including other zombies and cultists. Their “Face” is located on their stomachs and their layers of fat and bone make them extremely tough and resistant to gunfire.
- Gremlins are the other of the two zombie offspring Bloaters give birth to. These have the appearance of small and noisy boys who make frequent and annoying vocalizations to demoralize targets and can somehow attract other zombies despite the latter being generally believed to be deaf. They tend to be real quick and move on all-fours like quadruped animals with their “Face” located on their backs.
The Yellow Cult
The Yellow Cult is another threat created by the LP. While still undeniably human, Yellow Cultists are dedicated to serving the LP at all costs much to their own detriment. They openly worship the LP as their one true god and simply do not understand why others refuse to the same.
This shows that the LP is capable of sentient thought as it sees the value in making use of brainwashed humans to further its goals. The Yellow Cult has actually sprung all over the world and is one of the few successes the LP was able to make when it was transmitted from the Philippines in 2010. Also, unlike zombies, Yellow Cultists have all their human faculties intact, meaning they can make use of firearms, gadgetry and can even attract other humans to their cause through propaganda.
The Yellow Cult has an interesting hierarchy if one actually takes the time to study them and their activities.
Universal rules in the Yellow Cult:
- Can be easily identified by wearing the color yellow in their Yellow Masses
- Their masses are conducted in a strange language that sounds like a bizarre mishmash of English and Tagalog
- Form the “loser” sign with their hands in their Yellow Masses similar to how one prays in a place of worship
- Utter the words “E di wow!” similar to how some Christians say “Amen”
The Yellow Priesthood:
- Are often not very intelligent celebrities of some kind
- Are often of mixed descent being part Filipino and part any other nationality and the LP shows a preference for those with lighter skin
- Speak in a mix of English and Tagalog even when not conducting their Yellow Mass
- Have no real intellect or creativity and only say the things dictated them through audio transmissions from the LP
- Can be stunned with complex questions
The Yellow Masses
- Can be entertained and distracted by crass and tasteless humor
- Are often composed of people below the poverty line
- Often join the Yellow Cult out of desperation
- Are willing to resort to suicide bombing to further the Yellow Cult’s goals
Allies Of The LP
The LP and Yellow Cult have many allies throughout the world often in the form of fringe religious sects that worship obscure deities like the Great Old Ones or other Outer Gods. However, while they are willing to work with the LP and Yellow Cult, they often have agendas of their own and usually come into conflict with their allies somewhere along the way. Nonetheless, they still tend to be quite dangerous and why one should always be on the lookout for them and their activities.
- The Yellow Brotherhood
- Usually found in the Southern United States and most of Latin America
- Are often close allies of the LP and Yellow Cult
- Are associated with the Great Old One Hastur
- The Deep Society
- Operate and hide in the Carribbean and South Pacific
- Are “sometime” allies of the LP and Yellow Cult but are known to betray them occasionally
- Worship the Great Old One Cthulhu
- The Wandering Folk
- A strange and backward nomadic cult who operate in Canada, Alaska, Russia and Scandinavia
- Usually enemies of the Yellow Cult but cooperate with them in some instances
- Are generally believed to worship the Great Old One Ithaqua
There are actually many other allies of the LP and Yellow Cult though even the combined efforts of the UN, the Miskatonic Institution, the WPC (World Protection Coalition), the SIN (Syndicated Independent Nations), the CUF (Communion of United Faiths) and their allies have yet to identify, catalog and catagorize all of them.
How To Fight Them
What makes fighting zombies so difficult is the fact that they can easily convert another person into one of their kind through skin to skin contact. That is why making use of ranged weapons is the only truly effective way for normal humans to fight with lesser risk. Only dedicated “Zombie Slayers” from the Miskatonic Institution can safely engage zombies in close quarters and even then, they are generally discouraged from doing so as they can be easily overrun by large numbers of zombies.
Here are weapons recommended for fighting zombies:
- Small Knives: can be thrown at the “Faces” of zombies
- Bows and Crossbows: most recommended weapons asides from firearms due to their accuracy and damage potential
- Firearms: by far the most effective weapons to be used by individual humans
- Incendiary Weapons: Prevents zombies from regenerating and reduces the risk of contamination
- Chemical Weapons: Can kill zombies with ease as it impedes their regeneration (handle with care)
Here are weapons that are NOT recommended for fighting zombies:
- Melee Weapons: close quarter combat should be avoided at all costs as a single touch from a zombie can cause LP contamination
- Explosives: scattering LP-contaminated body parts can only make things worse
- Charging them head-on is also discouraged unless you are a Dedicated Zombie Slayer
People You Can Join
If you’re interested in joining the fight against the LP and the Yellow Apocalypse, here are some people and organizations that you can join to help rid the world of their influence:
- Zombie Watch
- Bring your friends and family on “vigils” to watch out for and warn others about any zombies or Yellow Cultists who may have infiltrated your community!
- Zombie Hunt
- Hunt and kill any zombies or Yellow Cultists who may have infiltrated your community!
- WPC: World Protection Coalition
- Fight zombies and Yellow Cultists using advanced technology and weapons!
- Formed from military personnel from countries all over the world, they provide various advanced mechanical weapons to their allies.
- Usually in the frontlines fighting zombies.
- SIN: Syndicated Independent Nations
- Fight zombies and Yellow Cultists using organic and chemical weapons!
- Formed from various large companies and corporations, they provide genetically engineered living weapons to their allies.
- Often protecting communities and arcologies from Yellow Cult infiltrators.
- CUF: Communion of United Faiths
- Fight zombies and Yellow Cultists using psychic and mystical weapons!
- Formed from various religious groups, they train people in the use of psychic powers and magical artifacts which they willingly provide their allies.
- Monitor the activities of the LP and Yellow Cult.
- UNAZM: United Nations Anti-Zombie Military
- A military force armed and trained specifically by the UN to fight zombies and Yellow Cultists wherever they may be found.
- Miskatonic Institution
- Based in an underground complex in Antarctica, the Miskatonic Institution provides the world with the only weapons to safely combat the LP and Yellow Cult. Needless to say, without their timely intervention, the world would have been overrun by now. Thanks to their efforts, the Yellow Apocalypse has been safely contained in the Philippines and other remote parts of the world.
- Provide their best operatives with the mysterious and extremely powerful Shoggoth-Suit which is a kind of form-fitting powered-armor that makes one capable of safely standing toe-to-toe with hordes of zombies as well as granting full immunity from the LP. Sadly, Shoggoth-Suits are difficult to produce en masse and is why there can only be so many Dedicated Zombie Slayers in the world. Recent reports say that there are actually less than 10,000 active Dedicated Zombie Slayers in the present day despite the extremely high demand for them.
- Asides from their Dedicated Zombie Slayers, the Miskatonic Institution has most, if not all the information necessary for fighting the LP and Yellow Cult.
So join now in the effort to fight the LP and Yellow Cult! Fight to save the Philippines and save the world! Stand with humanity and help protect the next generation against the Yellow Menace!
It’s 2016, ladies and gentlemen, and it’s time to take the safety and happiness of the world!
We may have the weapons, we may have the knowledge and we may have the power to fight the Yellow Apocalypse, but if we want humanity to win, we need YOU!
- Isang Mensahe Para Kay Mocha Uson, Ang Bagong Myembro Ng MTRCB - January 6, 2017
- 3 Steps To Finding Success And Happiness In One’s Life - December 24, 2016
- How Pinoy Over-Romanticism Destroys Us As Persons - December 19, 2016
- Why I Think The Catholic Church In The Philippines Is Doing More Harm Than Good - December 6, 2016
- No More Nonsense Films For This Year’s MMFF: Why I Have Some Hope For The Media - December 4, 2016