Taong Alupihan: Unang Yugto With Kris Aquino

Disclaimer: The following is a satirical article. It is, was and never will be real. At least, I HOPE not.

There has been much hullabaloo over the up and coming film with Kris Aquino and Herbert Bautista. As a matter of fact, it has been recently announced that Kris Aquino is very excited about their up and coming roles in the film. As you know, Kris Aquino was hoping to establish a new relationship with Herbert Bautista after several failed attempts at finding a proper father for her children. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem to be so and the issue was swept under the rug and the pair claiming that “they were never lovers”.

Oh well, whatever the case, there have been a lot of rumors regarding the film they are making together and both fans and detractors can only imagine what they’re up to. So far, the only confirmations are that, asides from Kris Aquino, Kris’ son Bimby will also be involved in the film and that it will be directed by Antoinette Jadaone, the same woman who directed “That Thing Called Tadhana” and “English Only Please”. More likely than not, the film they are making will be an entry in the MMFF.

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Take note though that the MMFF is probably going to face some stiff issues what with so many Star Wars fans who are eagerly awaiting their beloved heroes Luke Skywalker and Han Solo to return to the big screen. Indeed, I have met many who are praying that whoever’s in charge of the MMFF will simply allow at least Star Wars to be shown if nothing else. However, given the mentality of these people, they probably wouldn’t care one bit about the hearts of Star Wars followers and show the usual line-up of crappy porn-disguised-as-mainstream-films-slush and, of course, whatever film Kris and Herbert are making together.

Since they seem to want to top Star Wars so badly, they are instead going to do the extreme by making a local adaptation of cult-hit Human Centipede. After all, Kris Aquino has certainly shown an affinity for horror films what with the success of her previous film Feng Shui 2 that included national heartthrob Coco Martin. By starring in a local adaptation of what is a very controversial horror film, both Kris and Herbert are hoping that they can at least make their film together shine out to audiences even if it is competing with a global blockbuster like Star Wars.

For those not in the know, Human Centipede is a grotesque Dutch horror film made sometime during 2010 and was directed by Tom Six. Similar to other violent and gruesome film franchises like Saw and HostelHuman Centipede pushes the envelope further by using a truly horrifying premise. Ladies and gentlemen, I strongly suggest you NOT continue reading unless you are planning to eat any time soon and I am also quite sure that watching this after you eat might cause you to lose your last meal. I am WARNING you, Human Centipede is not for the squeamish or the faint of heart.

Okay, sure you want to continue?

Alright, Human Centipede is about a doctor named Josef Heiter who was played by Dieter Laser in the original and it has been rumored that his role will be taken by Kim “Kuya Kim” Atienza in the local adaptation. Anyways, Dr. Heiter specializes in separating conjoined twins for a living and does so dutifully enough. However, Dr. Heiter has a dream, a song to sing, to help him cope with everything…

And that is he believes that multiple humans can live together with a shared digestive tract. Having trouble imagining his dream? Alright, what he technically plans to do is surgically attach one person’s mouth to another person’s anus and then the same thing again until they form a kind of human chain.

Luckily for Dr. Heiter in the original film, two American tourists, Jenny and Lindsay arrive just in time to become his first two subjects for his “creation”. The two are then joined by a Japanese tourist whom the doctor is all too happy to knock out and attach to his abomination, becoming the first segment of the titular human centipede.

So far, instead of two girls, the local adaptation titled Taong Alupihan will have a couple which will be played by Kris Aquino and Herbert Bautista. It has been speculated that Kris Aquino will play the role of the middle segment while Herbert Bautista is likely to be the third and final one. The actor to play the front segment still remains to be announced but rumors run the gamut from Boy Abunda (a long-time friend of Kris Aquino), Ai-Ai de las Alas, Coco Martin and perhaps even Kris’ son Bimby. Other rumors suggest that Philippine President Benigno Simeon Aquino will also be putting up an appearance somewhere in the film.

Nothing has been confirmed yet but it’s planned that the film will be a strong contender at the MMFF and hopefully be able to sate the anger and frustration of Star Wars fans who have been eagerly awaiting the return of their favorite franchise. Also of note, according to other rumors, if Taong Alupihan proves successful, Piolo Pascual and Sam Milby will be starring in a local adaptation of Saw entitled Lagari as well as Pangil which is a local adaptation of Tusk and will have Daniel Padilla in the role of Wallace and Coco Martin as Howe.

When told that the MTRCB and CBCP might have something to complain about as the Human Centipede films have been banned in more than a few countries, it was said that if Kris Aquino’s sordid relationships couldn’t be banned by the church, how could they ban one of her biggest movies to date? Indeed, more likely than not, many of the local clergy will probably be eagerly awaiting the completion and showing of the film, if anything. If they truly wanted to censor violence, gore and other disturbing spectacles, why do they allow penitents to ritually mutilate and torture themselves on Holy Week for all the children to see after all?

Oh yeah, and the third part of Human Centipede, entitled Human Centipede III: The Final Sequence will be released in the 25th of May.

See you at the movies!

6 Replies to “Taong Alupihan: Unang Yugto With Kris Aquino”

  1. Dude, never ever mention “Human Centipede” again! I knew the plot of the movie before I read your article and I was so disgusted by it I wanna let it slip from my mind.

    But now you mentioned it, argh!


  2. unfuckingbelievable..funny and grotesque at the same time…thanks for making me laugh, Grimwald.i saw both movies and yeah, kris would nicely fit in the center, so whoever will be at the end will be kissing her ass, forever…

  3. “However, Dr. Heiter has a dream, a song to sing, to help him cope with everything…”

    Ha, ha. Were you listening to that song while writing this remarkable commentary?

  4. this is so funny… will i get arrested for sharing this on facebook?

    and uh, there’s no mention of the leading lady being kidnapped, and then saved by the leading man… then the police force coming late 🙂

    1. No one’s sure how it will come out yet but I’m sure they’ll probably have a similar scene at the end. Though they will have some problem with getting Kris (the middle segment) our of her predicament.

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