This article is dedicated to and an expansion of Benign0’s statement here in GRP shorts…
Disclaimer: This strategy is only effective in the Philippines. Trying this in any other country like the United States, the United Kingdom, Japan or the Russian Federation will NOT END WELL for you. You have been warned.
Hey again, it’s me.
Are you having trouble with the government? Are public officials giving you a hard time? Are you caught up in red tape? Or are you just sick and tired of Philippine bureaucracy?
Well, once again, I have an answer for you!
Start your own terrorist organization and gain both sympathy and support from the Philippine government!
Not convinced? Well, here’s how:
Step 1: Think Of A Name
Just like my previous article about religion, you need to first have a cool name for your organization. It has to be catchy and memorable in order to have an effect on your enemies, members and potential recruits. A good name can mean the difference between being remembered as a fearsome terrorist organization that should be respected or a gang of buffoons that will fade into obscurity.
Here are some terrorist organizations with some COOL names:
- IRA which stands for “Irish Republican Army” but can also double as the Latin word Ira meaning “Wrath”
- Al-Qaeda which simply means “military base”
- BIFF which stands for Bangsamoro Islamic Freedom Fighters but can also double as “biff” which means to strike with the fist
- RUF which stands for “Revolutionary United Front”
- Cobra from G.I. Joe
- The Brotherhood of Nod from the Command & Conquer series
- Jouishishi (roughly translates to “Patriots Who Expel Aliens” or simply “Anti-Aliens”) from Gintama
- HYDRA from Captain America
- Brotherhood of the Dark Rapture from Clive Barker’s Jericho
- EXALT from XCOM: Enemy Within
Suggestions for cool names:
- Brotherhood of Battle
- Sisterhood of Strife
- Children of Death
Alternatively, lame names are also quite popular among some terrorist organizations. They also usually get the most sympathy from governments probably because of how pathetic their names are. While I don’t approve of such names, you can try them out for yourself and see if they work out for you.
Here are some examples of terrorist organizations with LAME names:
- MILF which stands for “Moms I Love to F–k” -oh wait!- It’s “Moro Islamic Liberation Front”. Sorry about that.
- NPA which stands for “No Permanent Address” -oh wait!- It’s “New People’s Army”. Again, sorry for my research errors.
- ISIS which is the name of an Ancient Egyptian Pagan Goddess -oh wait!- It actually stands for Islamic State of Iraq and Syria. (Seriously guys, if you pride yourselves with being stout religious folk, why did you name yourself after a pagan goddess of all things? And quite a liberated one at that…)
Suggestions for LAME names:
Step 2: Think Of A Theme
Next, you have to think of a theme for your terrorist organization.
What are you fighting for?
In order to recruit others and make yourself look like a convincing terrorist organization, you need to stand for (or at least pretend to) a given idea or objective.
It can be anything really, but here are some of the most common or popular:
- Religion (with the most popular being Islam or Catholicism)
- Ideology (the most common being fascism or communism)
- World Domination (a goal for Cobra)
- Natural Resources, namely Tiberium (a goal for the Brotherhood of Nod)
- For aliens to leave your world (a goal of the Jouishishi)
- To support aliens (a goal of EXALT)
- To topple your totalitarian government (a goal of V in V for Vendetta)
Next, you need something to identify you. A mark or insignia is essential in making your enemies, members and potential recruits remember you well. They need to be catchy in order to be easily remembered and to have a certain degree of psychological effect; something that will demoralize your targets while uplifting the spirits of your allies.
Here are some examples:
- A cobra head (used by Cobra)
- A scorpion tail (used by the Brotherhood of Nod)
- An octopus (used by HYDRA)
- A hexagon following an Illuminati theme (used by EXALT)
- The letter “V” (used by V)
- A weird white bird’s face with round glassy eyes (used by the Jouishishi)
Here are some suggestions:
- A rattlesnake’s rattle
- A squid
- A spider
- A coiled snake
- The letter “X” or any other letter for that matter
- A smiling face
A Battle Cry
Think of something that your members can shout when attacking. This also adds a psychological effect for all those involved. Like the symbol above, it scares yours enemies and encourages your allies.
Here are some examples:
- “Cobra!” (used by Cobra)
- “Hail Hydra!” (used by HYDRA)
- “Down with GDI!” (used by the Brotherhood of Nod)
- “Charge!” (written on a signboard held by Elizabeth of the Jouishishi)
- “Allahu Akbar!” or “God is Great!” (used by Muslim terrorists)
Here are some suggestions:
- “Go sexy! Go sexy, sexy love!”
- “May His Noodles Protect Us!” (for Flying Spaghetti Monster worshipers)
- “HUMAN CENTIPEDE!” (this is surprisingly effective in demoralizing or at least distracting some people; This has actually been field tested against American marines)
Step 3: Getting People To Join You
Getting people to join your organization can be tricky but if you have the right know-how, it can be made a lot easier.
Desperate Dumb People
Some of the easiest to recruit are the dumb masses because they have very little in the way of critical thinking. The best way to do this is to blame your enemies for their troubles and get them to focus their anger on them. This is especially effective for impoverished people with no access to media other than spoonfed propaganda. Beware of smart people though. If there is at least one smart person among your group, he or she can easily take apart your recruitment campaign. It would be a good idea to get rid of smart people in the community first by demonizing them and implying that they too have a hand in making their community miserable.
A step by step guide on how to recruit dumb people:
- Act nice and give them freebies.
- Pretend to sympathize with their woes.
- Blame their problems on your enemies. (Be creative in making up your story.)
- Make them angry enough to take up arms against your enemies.
Another good way to recruit members is to get them early. Yes, you probably know what I’m talking about. Kids. Remember that children are very easy to indoctrinate and easy to teach. It’s very effective, just ask the RUF and the Abu Sayyaf. However, this is most effective, again, on impoverished children as they are easy to influence and you won’t have to worry all that much about their parents getting angry.
A step by step guide on how to recruit kids:
- Grab them from the nearest village or squatter community.
- Be sure to demonize your enemies and make it seem like you and your organization are angels in service of a higher purpose.
- Put a gun in their hands and teach them how to use it. (Caution is strongly recommended.)
- Initiate each of them by getting them to kill a prisoner.
Well, if you want to make your terrorist organization extra cool, you can add some of the following members:
- Should look like you, or alternatively, not like you if nobody knows what you actually look like
- Should make regular appearances on TV
- Should at least know how to read in order to deliver your speeches
- (Optional) can at least act
- (Optional) should have a thing for goats
- For more ideas, please consult the Fake Mandarin or Prince Aladeen’s double
The Sexy Right-Hand Brunette
- Should be at least 5’6″ in height
- Should have vital statistics of at least 36C-24-35
- Should be of European or North Asian descent although Garnet Mclane of Dragonaut is a rare African-American example
- Should have black or at least dark hair
- Should always wear something black
- Should be proficient in the use of various weapons
- (Optional) should have a kinky streak
- (Optional) should be a lesbian or at least a bisexual
- For more ideas, please consult The Baroness, Madame Hydra or Killian Qatar
The Mad Scientist
- Should have an IQ of at least 180 or above
- Should have a sketchy psychological profile
- Can be of any nationality but German seems to be the most popular and common
- Can be bald or have a crazy hairdo
- Should be always giggling or laughing when doing something
- Should also wear a lot of leather although this should all be complimented with a white coat
- Should have some experience in torture or prolonging a victim’s suffering
- (Optional) should have a dream about surgically attaching together people’s digestive tracts
- (Optional) should have a sniveling and cowardly assistant with a hunched back
- For more ideas, please consult Doctor Mind-Bender, Arnim Zola or Yuri
- Should have an IQ of 20 or below
- Should always be enthusiastic to cause trouble
- Can be of any nationality although having a Cockney or Appalachian accent is becoming popular
- Can wear various headgear that conceals their face or parts of their face
- Should enjoy fighting or destroying things and should always be eager to do so
- Should be or act like a bratty teenager
- (Optional) Should always be shouting the organization’s battle cry or something similar
- (Optional) Can double as the mad scientist’s assistant (see above)
- For more ideas, please consult Metal Head or Crossbones
The Team Pet
- Should be an animal
- Should be by your side at all times
- Common choices are cats, big dogs or really, really big birds
- Does not talk but can communicate with other methods such as signboards
- (Optional) can be just a guy wearing a weird costume
- For more ideas, please consult Mr. Bigglesworth or Elizabeth
Step 4: Committing Atrocities
This section is self-explanatory. Seriously, you can’t be called a right and proper “terrorist organization” unless you commit atrocities. Otherwise, why would you even put together a terrorist organization if you don’t plan to commit atrocities.
Step 5: Gaining Sympathy With The Government
Well, this part is kinda tricky and it all depends really on what kind of government you plan to hoodwink. As mentioned in the disclaimer, this won’t work very well with Americans, British, Japanese, Russians or any other powerful or developed society. But again, if you’re a smart terrorist leader, you’ll know exactly what to do to get their attention.
However, if you don’t, here’s another step by step guide:
- Make sure that the president has little to no political resolve. Bonus points if he has some unaddressed psychological issues. Additional bonus points if the president is part of a family known for betraying their own country.
- Film a poor village or squatter community and get the people to act as pathetic as possible and imply that this is where majority of your members come from. Alternatively, as demonstrated by Cobra in one episode (thank you Destro), you can hire poor actors to play the part of an impoverished and maltreated community members if no actual community wants to work with you.
- Insist that your members are resorting to violence because of poor treatment by the government even if majority of them are actually middle-class or well-to-do (as is the case with your senior staff and, of course, you).
- Using a clever application of photoshop, editing skills and imaginative storytelling, engineer some photos, videos or documents that make it look like the the government is maltreating your members or the community your members came from. Alternatively, you can always steal enemy uniforms, put them on your members and get them to commit atrocities while filming them. That way, it looks like it’s the government committing the atrocities even though it’s actually you and your organization (thank you Baroness, for this information).
- Present your doctored evidence to human rights groups to gain their sympathy. This works really well if said group has strong anti-military sentiments.
I would like to thank Cobra Commander and the rest of Cobra, Kane and the Brotherhood of Nod, Madam Hydra a.k.a. VIPER and the rest of HYDRA, Mr. V and Sura -oh wait!- Kotaro Katsura and the Jouishishi for their input on this article.
So go out there and make the Philippine government your bitch! 😉
ANACONDA! (gotta work on my own battle cry)
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