44 Reasons Why Noynoy Cannot be Thrown into Prison

The internet is awash with articles detailing former president Benigno Simeon “Noynoy” Cojuangco Aquino III’s crimes against the very people he is wont to sarcastically address as his “boss”. Yet despite mounting calls for justice, getting this criminally negligent and apathetic traitor behind bars just won’t happen – at least not in our lifetime. Welcome to Philippine Justice 101, where we unravel how elusive justice is in the land of dysfunctional zombies. Here folks are 44 reasons why Noynoy cannot be thrown into prison:

  1. Ayaw ni sis e. Kapal ng mukha Kris Aquino requested President Rody Duterte not to.
  2. Justice in the Philippines is exactly what it is: just ice that so easily melts under our hot tropical banana republic sun.
  3. Insanity can always be his best excuse.
  4. How dare we throw royal blood into prison? Remember, he is the anointed offspring (special child) of a “national hero” and a “holy saint”.
  5. He was the best president ever! Manila Times’ Rigoberto Tiglao might beg to differ though.
  6. He’s too good at pointing fingers at anyone but himself.
  7. A loveless life is punishment enough.
  8. Filipinos will easily forget (possible mental side-effect of eating pag-pag).
  9. The Ombudsman is beholden to the color Yellow.
  10. The empire (Leni and Leila) might strike back.
  11. Netizens have already vented their outrage. Pwede na yon.
  12. Filipinos are a very forgiving people. Recall how Erap almost got re-elected as president after being ousted. Let’s rather thank Noynoy for saving us from becoming the laughing stock of the world back in 2010.
  13. He has a spotlessly clean track record: Imagine, 9 years as congressman + 3 years as senator = 0 bills passed.
  14. We need to be kind to animals. Talagang hayop ka Noynoy; “stand down” kahit na nagmamakaawa na mga sundalo mo?
  15. The Yellows can always revise history (the worst villain can be turned into a national hero). A few decades later, who knows – Rizal (Luneta) Park might be renamed Noynoy Aquino Park.
  16. Oligarchy-backed Yellow media and the Catholic church will fight tooth and nail to defend him.
  17. Noynoy did us a huge favor: He woke the entire nation up from the Yellow EDSA spell. Salamat Noynoy.
  18. He deserves the Nobel peace prize (by sleeping with the enemy while concocting their BBL). That’s on top of his “no bill” prize.
  19. He defended our country using his high-caliber mouth by branding Chinese leaders with the worst possible label: Hitler’s Nazis.
  20. He does not know how to apologize – So what’s the use?
  21. We have been told to stop looking back at the past – It’s time to MOVE ON.
  22. His unforgettable smile (that “nakauto na naman tayo” grin)  says he was only joking all along.
  23. Kris might go mad if he loses her brother. And Philippine showbiz can’t afford it.
  24. He never really meant any harm (just honest mistakes brought about by sheer ignorance, totally unintended).
  25. Filipinos fully aware of his incompetence voted for reluctant Noynoy to lead the country; so Filipinos bear the greater guilt!
  26. He’s too damn rich and famous to be imprisoned.
  27. With thousands of more pressing unsolved cases in the judiciary pipeline, it will take a hundred years till Noynoy’s case gets its day in court.
  28. Lawyers out to file cases against Noynoy are equally incompetent.
  29. EJK (with the batman symbol on a piece of cardboard) is the more cost-effective method.
  30. There are issues of far greater relevance in the country than “vengeance”.
  31. Nobody really cares. It’s showbiz that matters, including Manny’s next fight.
  32. He sacrificed so much (like his crown of hair) to serve one of the most stressful people to manage on earth. Give him a break.
  33. Some kind of attitude change or positive thinking therapy might work for such a hopeless lot like Pinoys: Let’s just tell ourselves “better luck nalang next time”.
  34. It’s not the president’s fault; it’s his appointees’.
  35. His partners (America’s CIA, aka his real boss) won’t allow it. And who can defy America?
  36. He is a chain smoker. More valuable humans (currently in prison) might get lung cancer by sharing quarters with him.
  37. Filipino taxpayer’s hard-earned money is better off being spent on something of value, rather than running after this lost cause of a pathetic loser.
  38. Justice will not bring pan de sal on Mang Juan’s table; it will only make you feel good for a few fleeting seconds (momentary high).
  39. At the rate he’s aging, he’ll be dead sooner than we think anyway. Why waste the effort?
  40. He’s so good at hiding these days. It might be too difficult to catch him.
  41. The idea of “politicians going to prison” is just a big show (media circus). They always eventually get pardoned anyway. Trillanes, Honasan, and Erap can attest to that.
  42. He deserves death (Romanian style like this), not imprisonment. Let’s wait till the death penalty bill gets passed first.
  43. The families of victims of the Mamasapano tragedy have already been well compensated.
  44. PNoy (the quintessential Filipino) was worth dying for – signed with the elite blood flowing out of our mutilated and desecrated bodies.

5 Replies to “44 Reasons Why Noynoy Cannot be Thrown into Prison”

  1. My simple two cents. DO NOT EVER THROW NOYNOY IN JAIL! Why? Correct me if I’m wrong but the most significant PR stunt of any celebrity is a little notoriety. Just look at Erap, the Marcoses, Trump (wtf?!).

    As it is, I’n alluding to the movie 300, in which the greaest threat to a man’s legacy is irrelevance in history. Let it happen, I daresay. Forgetting The Aquinos may be the worst punishment. No money, no fame, no life.

  2. Pnoy Aquino’s late mother : Cory Aquino, may become a Saint soon. ..So, “Saint Cory Aquino”, might intercede to God the Father, that Pnoy Aquino, his son will be forgiven to all his sins and failings in his life…the reason is : he is just like most of the rest of us, Filipinos.

    Remember, we have already one Saint, that Cebuano Saint…”Saint Cory Aquino”, may become the next Filipino Saint.

    Maybe Bishop Villegas is working , for the “Sainthood” of the rest of the Aquino family !

    Saint Kris Aquino, Pray for us ! How do you like that ? Saint Pinoy Aquino, Intercede for us ! That sounds better !

    I think , we are all in a “La La Land” called the : Philippines !

    1. Paraktiis.
      Throw Noynoy in jail. He deserves it. True. There could be PR stunt, but it will not last. And He will just fade into obscurity. Remember that Fernandez kid who was arrested for marijuana possession? One, two weeks he was in the limelight. Where is he now? No one seems to be talking about him. Noynoy may be the former President. But people hated him. He will not be missed.

  3. Two things:
    1. Hayden toro’s satire is so good I almost fell of my chair laughing! Hahahaha. Good day to you!
    2. Alphetzky Lasa good point there. But the point here is he got the new PR firm DDI, which are experts in PR Damage Control. But, “I don’t have proof of that at this point”. 🙂

  4. Failipinos in the Failippines would rather live in a community with unreasonable claims, than face loneliness with their truth.

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