Welcome to the land of retards on this side of the Pacific, where just about every flavor and color abounds. That marketing tagline “more fun in the Philippines” actually involves the sheer delight of surviving and navigating the jungle of various forms of “schewfidity” that have infected mass groups of gullible people like a pandemic-causing virus.
You may have noticed those are the colors of the Philippine flag up there in the title, and it’s not just coincidental that each color represents a form of Tardism that has uniquely blossomed in the country; it was probably some self-fulfilling destiny that got the national colors to match the current demography of major misguided groups (composed of activists, thought leaders, influencers, followers, and apologists) that make up the Philippines.
In this article, we will not be covering the Greentards (those overly occupied with calculating Carbon footprints and defending whale rights) or what the anti-government camp calls the “Dutertards” (a.k.a. DDS) who need no introduction these days. Instead we will feature four mainstream groups that are fixated on their own little fairy land fantasies and illusions of grandeur.
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Yellowtards – Those who got duped by the farce yellow EDSA revolution of Cory (who may have even given the go signal for her own husband’s assassination), which only led the nation into the dismal 3-decade descent into a cultural abyss of anti-intellectualism, malfunctional chaos and freedom for freedom’s sake (never mind the “run like hell” wish by MLQ). To be worshiped as heroes while protecting The Hacienda was the end goal, which now haunts the Filipino whenever they use their P500 bills or pass through the main international gateway (NAIA) – as a quick subliminal reminder to Never Forget to vote for an Aquino in the next elections.
Redtards – Those who are behind the Philippines being host to Asia’s longest running communist insurgency – thanks to ka Joma Sison who enjoys the luxury of first-world amenities in the Netherlands while his band of fanatical terrorists (the “nothing new” NPA) and obsolete-minded democratic-kuno activist fronts wreak havoc across the land for just about any word that contains “FREE” or “RIGHTS”. They are addicted to revolution, and only really find meaning for existence if an authoritarian figure exists. Painting the government (regardless of who becomes President) as “capitalista, tuta ng America, diktatura”, these are people who after being generously granted free education will use what was invested on them to bring about the downfall of their benevolent motherland.
Whitetards – These are hypocritical religious leaders of the Padre Damaso type. Best represented today by the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines, these are men who dress themselves white (like a band of Klu Klux Klan supremacists atop their high horses) to sanctimoniously portray their holiness/righteousness externally while they amass wealth (tax free) and use their influence on sheeple to advance the agendas of corporations and political entities they lie in bed with. Vowing celibacy for life, they turn their base human urges toward young lads and romance-deprived nuns and hardly say anything against the abnormally disgusting act of man-to-man copulation clearly condemned in their sacred writings. The hypocrisy is especially glaring when they love to be called “Father” despite their holy scripture’s clear command not to seek titles and honorifics:
“They love the place of honor at banquets and the most important seats in the synagogues. they love to be greeted with respect in the marketplaces and to be called ‘Rabbi’ by others. “But you are not to be called ‘Rabbi,’ for you have one Teacher, and you are all brothers. And do not call anyone on earth ‘father,’ for you have one Father, and he is in heaven.” -Matt.23
Finally the Tardism matrix is not complete without this final group:
Bluetards – Never heard? Let’s start with the online-available definition, by Urban dictionary:
A person who is constantly wearing a bluetooth headset in an effort to appear important regardless of setting and or social standing. This person is also oblivious to the fact that they look like a complete douche.
Note: Bluetooth is a technology meant to replace cables of arms-length distance; in contrast with RFID (for eliminating plugging / electrical contact for identification) and Wifi (for eliminating LAN cables for inter-device communication in an office/room).
But a broader way to define bluetards would be through “blue blood” – in reference to aristocrats, and privileged, noble families that are wealthy and powerful, based on the medieval European concept that those of royalty and nobility had blue blood running through their veins.
Bluetards are mainly the elite, powerful, and super rich. They also include the nouveau rich/famous and self-made multi-millionaires of this generation. Then last and least – they include elitist wannabes, humming the tune of “I did my best, but I guess my best wasn’t good enough” while covering up the reality of their pitiful bank accounts with a Louis Vuitton or Prada bag over one’s shoulder. They come in the form of politicians, actors/actresses, athletes, and businessmen who think they are above the rest and assume the rules don’t apply to them because they have a convoy with sirens.
When asked to fall in line like everyone else, they bite back with “Alam mo ba kung sino ako?” or “Hoy, Tatay ko ko kaya si …” Recall Elvis Presley’s hit song “Blue suede shoes”? Don’t you ever step on a bluetard’s ego or cross his path unless you’re willing to be blown off to kingdom come.
The bluetards enjoy living in the Philippines (rather than migrating abroad) because the environment is conducive for fanning one’s ego and being worshiped by fans and followers. They can insulate themselves from the suffering that happens all around them by living in their own exclusive world, the way business or first class on a flight is availed by those who can afford it. Bluetards like making a scene so they can be on front page or prime-time evening news. They take pride in arriving with style on a big black imported SUV when they don’t even have the home-grown tech to make even basic bolts and nuts used to build them.
Should the Philippines have a Royal Family?
This question is being dished out as a thought experiment for the general public to ponder on. Will it only feed the pride and aristocratic mindset of the elite as well as the prevalence of the starstruck ignoramus syndrome? Or will a royal family like those in England and Imperial Japan serve to unite a fragmented nation? Should the royal family be elected every several years like typical politicians? If so, should they be chosen from among the current reigning rich and beautiful celebrities?
The bluetards have been around for so long, we just haven’t called them out as they grew rich and richer because we were too focused on the other tards. If they want so much attention and importance ascribed to them, then here’s the introductory article that officially grants them a place in the crowded Tard landscape of the Philippines.
The Parable of the Ipis Colony and the Pepsi Bottle
An empty Pepsi bottle stood beside a dirt road in an African wildlife preserve, which had residue saliva still sticking on the bottle’s mouth. A nearby Ipis colony easily discovered it and like a bunch of fanatical die-hard egomaniacs all tried to scramble up to the top to win the prize – the glory and honor of getting to lick up those lusciously sweet saliva molecules. As soon as one Ipis got there, another Ipis would knock it off. A few in the struggle fell into the bottle and died. It was chaos like crazy to win the golden opportunity to stand on the pedestal. It meant all the world to these individual Ipis to be on “top of the world”, to the envy of everyone else in the colony.
Meanwhile enormous beasts – elephants, rhinos, and buffalos, just passed by hardly noticing all the action taking place on that abandoned Pepsi bottle. One young elephant asked its gigantic Mama what that bottle covered with Ipis was all about. The Mama admonished the inquisitive calf, “The Ipis think small and believe they are achieving something of great importance the entire world will look up to and applaud, when in fact nobody in the real world really cares. One of these days, someone in the herd will accidentally step on those pathetic creatures and nobody will even shed a tear. Let them mind their own business.”
And the Ipis Colony went about their mysterious insignificant business oblivious of the fact there was a much bigger world out there, up until the inevitable event happened – Squish!
Zealous revolutionary advocate of bringing back common sense for the common good in a land of dysfunctional and delusional zombies.