A Final Talk Between Mothers


Ladies and gentlemen, I knew this took quite a while, but this is the final part of my “Talk Between Mothers” trilogy. We’ve heard Mother Russia speak her mind in broken English and then there was Mother South Korea’s story. Now it’s time to listen to the story of another mother making her way in the world.

Again, this is another tribute to Mike Portes’ Minsan May Isang Puta, a veritable work of art in its own right which I can only hope to compare to. 

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Well, top o’ the mornin’ to ya there love! It’s nice to see you doing well, yeah?

You don’t recognize me, eh? I bet it’s the hair. It’s pretty much tradition where I’m from to get a haircut after you end a relationship. Even if, say, said relationship is friendship.

Anyway, know a place where we can smoke? My bloody neighbors are really getting on my nerves these days. Doctors and other proclaimed “experts” like to talk about how “smoking is bad for your health”, but I could use a bloody fag every now and again to calm my nerves what with the way things are these days.


When I say “fag” I’m talking about cigarettes, okay? Don’t get the wrong idea there, love. I suppose the way Sam taught you his own brand of English, you probably thought I was talking about something else, weren’t you?

Anyway, if you still don’t recognize me, it’s me, Britannia Sam’s mom! I know I’ve changed quite a bit over the years, but I’m the same old Britannia who raised Sam from the pesky little brat he once was to the big man he is today. It’s just all too bad that the lad can be a little crazy sometimes which is probably no thanks to his hag of an aunt, Marianne.

Look, I came over to talk to you about a few things since there will be some changes that will be happening. And no, if you’re thinking it’s because me moving away from my neighbors, that’s not the only thing that’s going on right now. There’s the whole immigration crisis that’s causing quite a ruckus throughout the world and then there’s the fact that that cunt China is trying to steal your and your neighbor’s land.

Now, listen up, I’ve only got two things to tell you and I don’t really have that much time what with the bloody mess I’m in with my neighbors.

The Only Person You Can Ever Really Rely On Is Yourself

Sam is his own man now and I’m really proud of him. I like how he looks after other people like you and that boy Srulik, but sometimes I swear he can be so daft at times.

Look, I know he’s been looking after you for a long time now but all I can say is that he can’t look after you all the time. Times are changing love and the only thing women like me and you can do is change along with it. And believe me, one of these days, that Sam will get himself into trouble he won’t be able to get himself out of. Remember that issue about Iraq not long ago? Well, that was his idea and he dragged me into it.

Well, now you see how well that turned out. There’s a lot of arguing here and there about what really happened and what was really going on but (don’t tell Sam this, okay?) I think we just made it all worse.

Start Taking Things Seriously

Do you know why China seems to think so little of you?

It’s because she doesn’t think of you as a threat. No, seriously love, you have to start taking things a little more seriously.

Sure, look at Sam’s brother Johnny. He’s a total goof. Sam likes to make fun of the lad because he’s just so polite. If you run into him, he’ll actually apologize for it. But don’t underestimate him though.

Johnny can be utterly terrifying when he wants to. In fact, a few years back, he gave his brother a right and proper bollocking. I mean sure, I was there to help him, but how many others have tried fighting Sam and got all the way to Washington? Japan tried it and look what happened to her. A bunch of terrorists tried it and look what happened to them.

Johnny, on the other hand? Well, they’re still brothers and my sons but you have to realize that they’re a match for one another. Sam might say he’s stronger and he might be, just a little, but Johnny isn’t as weak as he appears to be.

So okay, Johnny might smile a lot and he might just be too polite for his own good but people are afraid of him. Sam might not be but during the wars, both Japan and Germany were afraid of him and his sons.

So look, nonsense is fine as long as you come through for people. You can be a total buffoon if you want to but you can’t be a buffoon all the time. The time will come when you will have to stand up for yourself and neither Sam nor your neighbors will be able to help you. And by then, no amount of bad jokes and shallow comedy will save you.

So enough bloody news about celebrities. They’re not important. Well, to be honest, I keep up with a lot of stuff too. I did enjoy Doctor Who and I just love to laugh at Mr. Bean. I also enjoyed watching Japan’s Yu Yu Hakusho which I know you also enjoyed, although some of my children might not admit it. However, these are just forms on entertainment just as my Royal Family’s incestuous antics are entertainment for me and the Kardashians are entertainment for Sam. They will not affect my life nor do they have anything asides from entertainment value.


I have to take my leave now love as I need to clear up some stuff with my neighbors.

When you see Sam, tell him his mom says hello.

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