The 2016 Philippine Presidential Candidates Are All Dipshits

The clown car parade that the 2016 Philippine presidential elections are turning out to be only proves that many Filipinos don’t want to think for themselves. Rather, as is typical of the “Pinoy” mindset, they look upon other people and choose to let these other people think for them when determining how they want their nation’s future to be. The five current major presidential candidates (along with their vice presidential proxies) are now vying for the national vote; unfortunately, they’re all doing it NOT through stimulating the intellects of their constituent voters, but instead through emotional gratification.

And that for me, quite simply, makes these five candidates utter dipshits. I prefer to color code them, Power Rangers style, because they’re less of statesmen and more of entertainers. They may indeed be politicians, but I could arguably state with confidence that from what I can see, NONE of them deserve the presidency.


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Jessica Zafra was right: candidates would do whatever it takes prostitute themselves and kiss the collective anuses of voters just to get their vote, to the point of downplaying their backgrounds and track records (and even covering them up). Worse, the voters love it. In a culture where entertainers become politicians and politicians become entertainers, many Filipinos would rather dump whatever remains of their intellect and refuse to distinguish between what needs to be analyzed and what triggers their pleasure sensors.

The Yellow Ranger apparently fancies himself as someone who’s “one with the people.” He’s the anointed successor of a six-year trainwreck that’s a pretense of economic growth. His multiple blunders in the national and international spotlight are so embarrassing to the point of laughable, and his “journalist” spouse has the same public relations problems as he has. He’s a dipshit because he’s an oligarch despite his “common” facade, and if God forbid he gets elected he’ll merely be a puppet who would cover up the excesses and ineptitude of his predecessor.

The Black Ranger is also an oligarch with ubiquitous seed in politics, but unlike the Yellow Ranger he’s at least not afraid to say it how he sees it. He claims that the prosperity of the city he lorded over for the past decade(s) or so was his doing, and he even claims similarities to Singapore’s venerated Lee Kuan Yew, but behind all of these are money trails filled with dummy accounts. He’s a dipshit as well: he’s the epitome of traditional patronage politics in the Philippines.

The Pink Ranger is, um…I mean, seriously, WTF is this crap? She claims that she wants to “finish what her father started,” despite the fact that her father has done ZILCH in Philippine statecraft. I don’t really care if she’s a foreign national or not, but for someone who’s barely scratched the wretched morass of Philippine politics, and who’s already offered up her award-winning actress of a mother to take her place (just in case the Commission on Elections grows half a brain and kicks her off the list), I wouldn’t bother with a dipshit who sucks up to the religious lobby groups when they get the adolescent case of the vapors. Besides she’s probably too oblivious to the schemes of her running mate.

The Red Ranger is fueled by the success of her books and a possible case of argumentum ad misericordiam. Though she already has the background for statecraft and has already run for the spot way back in 1992, she’s still an ideological flip-flopper who reneges on her promises. This dipshit couldn’t get enough votes back then, I hardly think she could get any now, given the excess baggage that her running mate has in tow.

The Green Ranger couldn’t even make up his mind the first time, and now he’s supposedly running “on principle.” Now that he’s gone full Donald Trump mode, the hipster internet now sees him as the no-nonsense Philippine messiah: “He can do it down there, he can do it for the whole country!” Never mind the fact that this dipshit supports communist revolutionary taxes (which by the way are unconstitutional) and is adored as a local “Hugo Chavez.” He may have made his city safe, but apparently it’s not safe for everyone. Just as Abraham Lincoln once said: you can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you can’t fool all the people all the time.

All in all, it’s unbelievable that the future state of republican democracy in the Philippines lies in the hands of one of these five sad clowns. I’ve been told to just suck it up and vote for “the least of the evils,” but that only means I’m perpetuating an antiquated system that goes back at least half a century. So who do I think should be president? I think it’s pretty obvious. I’m ready to think outside the ballot box.

So, Philippines, I’ve dissed your race horses. The comment box below is ready to take in your butthurt.

38 Replies to “The 2016 Philippine Presidential Candidates Are All Dipshits”

  1. The moment we begin to fear the opinions of others and hesitate to tell the truth that is in us, and from motives of policy are silent when we should speak, the divine floods of light and life no longer flow into our souls.

  2. “So, Philippines, I’ve dissed your race horses. The comment box below is ready to take in your butthurt.”

    Next thing you know, those fantards of those rangers attacking this article will then Battle Royale with each other. Ooh that will be entertaining.

  3. Ano GRP bloggers, kaya pa?

    If I were you guys, I’ll just quit this shit, shut down this website and enjoy my life wherever I am. Because you’ve been wasting most of your lives writing things about this shithole of a republic, hoping to have something change.

    Turns out, IT DIDN’T WORK.

    So my friendly advice is, forget about this pathetic “nation” called The Philippines, and enjoy the rest of your lives in comfort. Because , I repeat it again, this republic has crossed the point of no return.

    But, assuming you don’t want to quit, I’m pretty sure six years later, you guys will write something about this topic, AGAIN.

    There’s a saying, insanity is doing things over and over again expecting similar result. It holds true to the idiot Fail-ipinos, but it MIGHT apply to you guys.

  4. All this article shows is that filipinos can’t even be led to success. Based on all this it’s quite apparent you still have another hundred years of Gillian’s Island before you mature enough to even have a good leader take you out of corruption. The author is a stone cold idiot; should be writing romance novels instead.

    1. Observer had little time to react before Rody swooped her off her feet and pushed her onto the bed, her frail bodice gleaming with the fading sunlight that shone from the window.

      “You scoundrel!” she remarked, as he unbuttoned his shirt and revealed his hairy chest. “You animal!”

      “Yes, I am,” he whispered back to her, lording over her as a vaquero lords over his cattle. “Now say my name!”

      “Rody,” Observer whimpered, him pressing his body onto hers in the kind of torrid pain and pleasure only he could give her. “Rody…”

      1. And then what?

        Goddamit MidwayHaven! You know better than to leave people hanging! Now I got blue balls you insensitive prick!

        Now I’ll just have to put up with Pornhub then! Seriously man, way to go on killing another guy’s boner! Don’t worry, when I write some smut, I won’t kill yours the way you did mine!

  5. If you haven’t heard about the name of Rep. Seneres he might be the best presidential candidate but unfortunately he’s not too popular to those 5 (minus one) POPULAR candidates. Unless if he could do a Jose Mujica mode just like what that guy did to his country in Uruguay five years ago. He wasn’t very popular to his voters but he made a magical moment that he’d won it on the election results, and the rest is history. I wonder what his secret there. Just my 2 cents.

  6. Mar – won’t win. People are tired of incompetence, and the no-results Yellow camp.
    Poe – won’t win. She’s disqualified, and people are tired of those from the Showbiz camp.
    Binay – won’t win. People are tired of corruption.
    Miriam – won’t win. People are tired of voting a consistent loser in presidential elections.
    Rody – ??? (Sorry it’s way past my bedtime… Zzzzzzzz)

    1. Ever asked why Miriam become the Consistent Loser? Yes, that’s right. It’s because the Fail-ipino voters are the real dipshits.

      1. Well, it’s basically the constitution that’s flawed. Why does it relegate the selection of a leader to stupid people in the first place?

        We should screen first who should be qualified to vote. It should be enshrined in the constitution. in particular, a qualifying exam should be given by Comelec similar to an IQ test.

        If I will be making the exam, it’s gonna have questions on algebra and trigo, logic, grammar, economics, history, literature, science and technology. I’m gonna make damn sure squatters won’t qualify.

        I beg to disagree – but the vote of anyone in this forum cannot be equal to that of a squatter/tambay.

        1. You might as well abolish the election process. Only 1% will pass those test. And all of them will come from the oppressive oligarchies/upper class.

        2. Hhhmmm…. Election-less society? That would make for a good theme for an alternative reality movie.

          Here’s one idea: have the top- notchers in the written exam compete in a cerebral gymnastics showdown in PH arena.

          Another idea is for each political party to slug it out like gladiators in the Hunger Games – smartest team survives and wins.

          Ticket sales will rake in Billions. Exact opposite of cash-burning campaigns we have now.

    2. And there you have it – by default, Iron Rody will win by “systematic elimination” of other candidates – similar to how students deduce the correct answer in multiple choice exams.

      plus the Filipino people are nowhere close to be tired of a self-confessed criminal-killer. Duterte will have his hands full when he steps into office when he realizes 90% of Pinoys are technically law-breakers (I.e. Criminals).

      All in Visayas and Mindanao see this as the rise of a Cebuano speaker to national prominence. Provinces in Luzon are also tired of being left behind by imperial Manila. And MM wants someone with the balls to clean up the filthy city.

      An interesting 6 years of transition to a Federation of Sub-states is ahead of us. I won’t be surprised if the vast “virgin” land of Davao becomes the next new capital of PH. Traffic-free typhoon-free criminal-free. Start investing in Davao guys while it’s still cheap.

      That narrow strip of land between Manila bay and Laguna de bay was a bad idea for a capital in the first place. Let’s see what will become of us after activating the RESET BUTTON. Let’s ask China to please put a hold on pressing their Nuke missile launch button for now coz maybe there’s still some hope for this hapless bunch of toothless Spratly island grabbers after all.

      1. I would rather die than see the Duterte and his friends (CPP-NPA-NDF) share of power in the national government. You might not even see China use her nuke when she can just annex this whole country under the glorious guidance of Maoism.

  7. Ilda got it right back then:

    October 7, 2013 at 11:37 pm
    The obvious solution is for voters to regard all those who are running for public office with a healthy dose of distrust. As another wise man once said, distrust and caution are the parents of security.

  8. “Davao is safe” is a misnomer. They still have the issue of smuggling and robberies. They argue that it’s not rampant and this, if you actually didn’t sleep through elementary civics class, has nothing to do with Duterte.

    Rappler just recently posted an infographics of Davao vs Manila. What they DIDN’T post on that infographic is POPULATION DENSITY, a topic every elementary school student is taught.

    So a simple research of the Philippine census tells you there are 590 per square kilometer in Davao against 19,000 per square kilometer in Metro Manila.

    So to sum it up. There is less crime, less traffic and less pollution in Davao SIMPLY BECAUSE THERE ARE FEWER PEOPLE AND NOT BECAUSE THEY HAVE A GOOD LEADER.

  9. If Duterte made Davao safe and peaceful after more than 20 years as mayor. How long would it take him to do the same thing for the Philippines???

      1. 6 years? He might extend his term by changing our constitution from a unitary/presidential form into a federal/parliamentary form of gov’t in which Ferdinand Marcos didn’t do that in the 1st place (he’d just only changed it from unitary/presidential to a unitary/parliamentary form of gov’t system and even declared a Martial Law in our country on Sept 21, 1972, thus our country at that time are under a totalitarian rule system).

        In that case of Duterte, he’ll turn our country into a Semi-democratic type of gov’t just like in Singapore & much better than Marcos type of totalitarian rule:

        1. In what way is Duterte much better than Marcos?

          Duterte’s Davao ‘achievement’ is nothing if you compare it against governing the whole country during those trying times!

          I say it still remains to be seen!

    1. I would not think of these 3 Choices. The Choices are not of my own making…

      Why not restore the Inquisition? Try these idiot candidates with being heretics. Whip them and burn them on stake, as Witches.

      They are “magkukulam”…they bewitch voters!

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